How do I say "no"?

I know I want to be abstinent, but what are some good ways to say "no" if someone pressures me?

Denise, age 16

Denise,

First of all, that's great that you are committed to abstinence until marriage! There may come a time when someone pressures you; but remember, you don't owe sex to anyone. There are a lot of great ways to say no: explain that you aren't ready to be a parent, or you don't want to worry about STDs. Or even point out that you care about your future husband too much to put him at risk. The most important thing is - stay true to yourself and remember that the decisions you make today will directly impact your tomorrow.

Also, check out some great reasons to wait.

danger of pornography?

I like what you are doing - teaching the youth about abstinence and sexual purity. However, there are a lot of kids out there who might be virgins but who are not sexually pure because of viewing pornography. What advice would you give to such youth.


Thanks for your question. I would tell them to be careful of things that contaminate you. There is a connection that runs through your heart, soul, and mind. You know the saying, "garbage in, garbage out"? Men and women are people, not objects, so we shouldn't train our hearts and minds to think of them as objects.


For more on how other people matter, read A.C.'s article here.

Who is "the one"

How do i know when i find the "one."

Natasha, age 14

Thanks for your question. First of all, I gotta be direct with you - you have a LOT of time before you need to be worrying about relationships, particularly 'the one.'

I say that because there are better things for you to be considering right now. What are your dreams and goals in life? Do you have a plan for obtaining those goals? As we know, the decisions you make today directly impact your tomorrow. For instance, A.C. Green spent 16 seasons in the NBA. When he set his sights on being the best basketball player he could be, that took commitment and self-discipline. If he had never gone to practice in junior high, high school, and college, how successful would he have been?

Secondly, this is a great time for you to be concentrating on your growth and development as a person. What are the areas where you want to grow as a person? What hobbies and interests do you want to pursue?

When the time is right, that person will enter your life. Don't settle for less than the best. Someone who encourages you, and wants what is best for you. Someone who is pursuing healthy goals of their own. But until that time comes, focus on becoming the type of girl that will attract that type of man.

she's pressuring me

This girl in my class wants to have sex with me and I tell her NO!! She keeps on telling me that. She shows signs to me what she wants to do to me. I tell her no, no, no, but she keeps on saying it. What should I do? What can I tell her about sex or what can I tell her?
Ambrose


Ambrose,

You are doing the right thing to tell her "No" - just the fact that she keeps pressuring you shows that she doesn't really care about your feelings. Be true to your commitment - here's some things you can tell her:

• I have a lot of goals, and I'm not going to risk them for one night.


• I don't want either of us to have to worry about STDs.


• I'm not ready to be a parent.


• I don't want a one-dimensional relationship.


• I've made a commitment and I'm not willing to break it.


• I'm worth waiting for.

There are so many benefits in waiting and so many reasons to say "No" to sex outside of marriage. As you know, abstinence until marriage is the only sure way to protect yourself physically. But even more, it's the only way to protect your heart and your dreams.

Abstinence Guy

i think about it all the time

I want to have sex and feel like I will go crazy. I think about it all the time. So what do I do?

guy, 13

A.C. Green decided to answer this personally, so we'll step aside for his response!

There's an old saying that says: "As a man thinks, so he is."

I would advise you to guard what you watch, as well as what you listen to, because those thoughts have to enter you in some way.

However, the truth of the matter is that you are going to do what you really want to do. Because you think it's cool, fun, wild, or just to be like everyone else. Only thing I ask you is this: Be your own man! A leader...not a follower. You know abstinence is the right decision, or else you wouldn't be writing me. So do what you know is right, not what you feel might be cool.

AC

being a leader

I have a question about to be a good leader. I want to be the best positive leader. But the down is that you will be made fun of if you are tring to be a positive leader. A positive leader in my High school is doing drugs. A postive leader to other kids in my school does drugs and gets drunk every weekend. So how do you become a good positive leader to people and tell them not to do the drugs and stuff?

DQ, 16

DQ,

Awesome question. First of all, let me point out an important fact. These people in your school that are doing drugs and getting drunk might be leaders to some, but they certainly aren't positive leaders.

A positive leader is someone who teaches you how to reach your goals, and encourages you to be your best. Just as important, a leader leads by example. If I encourage you to do well in school but I'm flunking three classes and don't care, how much weight does my advice carry? Probably not much! That's why we've all heard that actions speak louder than words. So my challenge to you is this: Continue making good decisions - one's that will help you reach your goals in life. There will always be peer pressure, and there may always be people who make fun of good leaders. But remember this, it's easy to do the wrong thing. It takes strength and discipline to do the right thing. Others will see your example and begin to follow.

should i drop him?

Hi, I'm going out with this 23-yr old. He has no job right now, partly due to a unemployment problem in the area, and he has not yet gone to college. Still, he has high hopes for his future. It has become too hard to take our relationship too seriously because he is immature about things. I know that in time he may get his act together. Anyway, the point is that he and I would have an even better relationship if we would have met a while from now. Still, i can't bear to break up and wait it out beause i can't tak the risk of losing him. I'm not sure exactly what to do...because I miss being taken out on dates and being treated with more respect-yet at the same time, I am only 19 years old. Maybe I'm taking everything too seriously an need to loosen up and let time decide. I'm not sure what to do. Despite his set-backs, he is the best-looking guy I have ever gone out with, and I have never felt the way I feel when I am with him, the little time that it may be. Any advice on how I should deal with things? I have made more friends so I don't have to dwell on this, but even though he's always at his different friends' houses, he seems a little jealous. I am thoroughly confused and am convinced that I may never have guys figured out.

Thanks,

Nicole, age 19

Dear Nicole,

By the sound of your letter, I truly believe you know what to do. Confusion comes when your mind wavers between right and wrong. You already have half your problem solved.....you can see that this guy is going nowhere fast. The question is - do you want to go with him. I know he is attractive...but looks cannot bring you happiness. So you have a great looking guy on your arms, but the man has no job and no motivation to get one (believe me they are out there if he really wants to work, stop making excuses for him). We as woman always believe we will be the one who can change them...I've been there, done that! We can't!

Change has to come from them, their heart, they have to want to change because they want to be a man of character, they want to reach their goals. They will not change because you want them too...and if they do, it is only for a short time. "If you do not plan to succeed, you plan to fail!" Which brings me to you. What are you doing to succeed....what are your plans? Step away from worrying about him and your relationship with him and focus on your dreams and goals. Make a plan for your life and put it into action. Once you focus on your goals, this guy (and guys like him) will slowly begin to become less important in your life.

If you are in a sexual relationship with him, it is time to STOP! Because the bond your creating with him through sex is the chain that will keep you with him and keep you from becoming the woman you want to be. I know, I lived through it at your age. I was 19 ....and because I could not grasp what I am trying to tell you, I was a single mom before I turned twenty. It comes down to self-respect. You deserve the best. You attract what you are....be your best and you will attract the best. Abstinence...because you are worth it!

Abstinence Girl

How do I move on?

ok, there's this guy and we had sex and he was acting really mean to me afterwards and tellng everyone that i'm easy to get but i still have feelings for him. it's like he is always on my mind and after this happened it made me want to become abstinent but how do i get him out of my mind and move on?

Melody, age 14

Dear Melody,

Your story is one I hear a lot and have lived myself. We could gang up on the guy who put you in this situation, but the truth is the pain and shame that a girl feels from making the decision to have sex outside of marriage is caused by the choice they made. Honestly, it seems this choice often stems from low-self esteem.

Certainly there are going to be a lot of emotions toward this guy - sex is a very emotionally intimate act. But do not allow those emotions to fool you into returning to the situation. Think about it....he has sex with you, then speaks poorly of you and dumps you. Why would you want to even be within 10 feet of a guy like this?

My advice to you is this...know that you are very special. Set your standards on a man who will respect you and treat you the way you deserve...accept nothing less than a man with integrety and character. You attract what you are. I know, I have been in your shoes. Since I started practicing abstinence I have gained self-respect and confidence - it's affected my whole life. When men discover I practice abstinence one of two things happens...they walk away or they treat me with respect. Which kind of man would you want in your life....I know which one I want in mine. The one who walks away can keep walking, they are the ones who have no respect for themselves and are looking for only one thing...sex!

You cannot change the past. But you can change the future. Forgive yourself first. Next, the guy who hurt you. You might be knocked down for the moment, but pick yourself back up and keep moving. Find ways and people who can help you gain the self-esteem that is missing in your life. You are a gem....and worth so much more than you can imagine. Keep sharing your story, maybe someday your story can help another girl or even a guy (it happens to them, too) who has been hurt the same way you have.

P.s. - Check out some great ways to say no.

don't think about girls...

I like A.C. and that's why I signed up. But I'm gay, and Ive known this for a long time. All my friends keep talking about girls, but I never thought about it. I got some girlfriends, but I don't think about girls and sex. But theres some guys and sometimes I just want to be close to them. No one knows Im gay, and I think my mom would kick me out of the house if she knew. What should I do?

D, age 15

Dear D,

15-year-olds are going through so many changes. Sexually they are trying to figure it all out. Unfortunately the media has made teenagers feel they need to get involved in sex right away, because – frankly, and unfortunately – sex sells. Do not believe the lie! I do not want to downplay what you are feeling about your sexuality...but as teenagers are developing into young adults, their bodies are growing and doing some strange things. I remember... I was a teenager once and thought I would never grow into my lips or ears, my emotions seemed to be scattered like peanut butter on bread. Give your body time to mature; your emotions time to level out. Try focusing on your goals and building up character traits and decision making skills that will allow you to reach your dreams and goals. Focus on developing into a man of character – a man who has self-discipline and exercises control by practicing abstinence until marriage; a man who reaches his dreams and becomes a role model to youth someday.

what if she isn't a virgin?

I have chosen to remain abstinent until marriage. Should I only marry someone who is also a virgin?

Demarcus

Demarcus,

You should marry a person because of that person's heart. Regardless of anyone's past decisions, if your values are the same (they are now practicing abstinence and believe that sex is for marriage only), be open to marriage.

It's important that you don't get involved with someone who wants to pressure you. Make sure they are true to abstinence. In other words...stick to your standards and do not let anything (or anyone) sway you.

Also realize that if your partner was sexually active prior to marriage, they may be infected with an STD. Be sure they have the appropriate medical tests to rule out any incurable and/or fatal STDs.

they don't listen

How do you convince someone who is not willing to hear you when you are trying to help them be smart about sex? They choose to go their own way.

Kristopher

Kristopher,

That’s a great question. There will often be people who don’t agree with your stand on abstinence. You might share with them about the health benefits of abstinence, the physical and emotional consequences of sex, and even the freedom that comes from practicing abstinence.

This may help your friends realize the many benefits of abstinence. They may wonder however, if it’s too late for them to start practicing abstinence. The answer is “NO!” It is never too late to start over.

There’s always the chance that someone may still not listen. You can’t control the decisions of others, but you can control your own. Be an example by the way you live.

p.s. - see the FAQs for some great info

he's hassling me

I am 18 and not active sexually. My brother-in-law keeps on hassling me about it. I think it's really none of his business, he should be happy I have goals in my life and I don't want a relationship like the one he had with my sister (divorced).

Anonymous

Anonymous,

First of all, congratulations on staying committed to abstinence and being committed to reaching your goals in life.

As I've said before, there will often be people who don’t agree with your stand on abstinence. But don't let that keep you from doing what you know is best. It's easy to go along with peer pressure. It's hard to stand for what is right - but it's worth it.

And don't forget about the health benefits of abstinence, the physical and emotional consequences of sex, and the freedom that comes from practicing abstinence.

The decisions you make today will directly affect your tomorrow. Choose wisely.

when am i ready?

People always tell me I need to wait until I'm ready to have sex. Well...how do I know when I'm ready?

Bethany, age 15

Bethany,

The best way to know you're ready is by waiting until marriage! Then you can enjoy a loving relationship with someone that has made a lifelong commitment to you. There are so many benefits to waiting - not only will you know you're disease free, you also will be free of the social, emotional and intellectual problems that sex outside of marriage can bring.

do i need a guy? (or girl)

I have a really hard time not trying to tempt guys into doing things. most of the time it isnt really sexual but it is in a way. I know that it will eventually lead to other things, but usually i dont care, but later when i think of what could have happened it makes it different. I also feel like a need a guys attention all the time. My last boyfriend and I were together for 2 and a half years, but we split up. Its been 7 months now and i feel like a need that attention? what do i do to keep my mind off of it. It seems like everyone else has a boyfriend to hold or kiss, but I dont. I miss him, and his affection. What do I do?

Abby, age 16

Abby,

First of all - great question. Now let me ask you a question: do you feel that having a boyfriend (or guys - do you feel that having a girlfriend) makes you better as a person? If so, it sounds like an issue of self-esteem, you may be using guys (or girls) to try and validate you as a person. Abby, you need to realize your worth as an individual - there is no one just like you, you are one of a kind, unique, priceless. If you recognize this truth about yourself, you will soon realize that having a boyfriend (or girlfriend) isn't necessary for your happiness.

You said, "I know that it will eventually lead to other things, but usually I don't care." Again, recognize that you are important and special as an individual. Also realize the decisions you make today will impact your tomorrow. Concentrate on the goals and dreams you have and don't let someone knock you off on your track. If someone truly loves you - they love you for you, not for what you will do for them. Don't forget!

Lastly, I know it is nice to be dating someone, but recognize being currently single provides some neat opportunities. For instance, you can hang out with your friends whenever you want, and you have time for your other hobbies and interests too.

p.s. - check out real intimacy in the FAQ section!

will he use me too?

Hey , Thanks for the advice! I really like this guy but I don't want to be used and talked about! Do you know how some guys will be like 'oh yeah I wouldn't do that' (use a girl) and then talk about her? Well if he's done it to another girl does that mean he'll use me too?

Danice, age 14

Danica,

Thanks for writing again...to steal a phrase from my answer to your last question: "Simply put, that comes down to an issue of character. Specifically, I would question a guy’s integrity and trustworthiness if he is consistently giving mixed messages."

Here's the deal Danica. If a guy has made a habit of using girls, there is a very good chance he will do it again. Yes, people can change! BUT - if he consistently uses girls, you need to understand it's likely he is using you. And if he is using you to get what he wants - that is not real love, and he's not a real man.

I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to date someone who cares about you for who you are. Someone who will consider your needs above their desires. Someone with strong character.

friendship is key

hey, I really need advice last year a friend threw a huge party, and a guy came up to me I knew him from school and he came and hugged me I was like "thats cool, i guess!"

I moved a couple of weeks after that and everyone was sad! I move back over the summer, looking wayyyyyyy different and people trip!

School starts and all the guys want to know me and the second day of school I had 7 guys ask me out , i was flattered but not interested! I have gym with the same guy frome the party. We became really good friends and still are, but that's where the problem lies at - we are such good friends, we like each other more than that! We've kissed but nothing other than that! One of the gym coaches stops us and says "wow! you guys have been together for a long time!" we walk off smiling at one another. We talk everyday and we've talked about dating before.

Danica, age 14

Danica,

I think that is great that you have formed a strong friendship. Make sure that is always the focus of the relationship. If you both really care about each other, you will want what is best for each other - and that is a great place to be!

He says one thing but...

Why do some guys act one way but mean another? I was dating this guy for awhile and we had sex , but he wasnt the one that broke off our relationship,it was me does that mean that I have a problem?

Danica, 14

Dear Danica,

It sounds like you are asking why some guys don't do what they say they will, or act how they say they will. Or why do they say one thing to you, but something completely different to others. Simply put, that comes down to an issue of character. Specifically, I would question a guy’s integrity and trustworthiness if he is consistently giving mixed messages.

I think it is wise that you are not in that relationship anymore, particularly since sex was part of the equation. Abstinence is definitely the way to go – it brings freedom from a lot of possible consequence. Also, practicing abstinence allows you to focus on the social and emotional aspects of the relationship. Please realize it is NEVER too late to choose abstinence. Even if you have had sex in the past, you can always start over.

sleeping in the same bed

My friend and her boyfriend are starting to sleep in the same bed together now.....they are not having sex just sleeping in the same bed...is that ok?

Melissa, age 15

Melissa,

As I'm sure you know, the decisions we make today directly impact our tomorrow. I would urge your friend to carefully consider her actions and the motives behind them. Obviously, ClubAC talks all about the importance of good decisions and abstinence. Consider the fact that abstinence allows you to concentrate on your future. There are some negative consequences from premarital sex that you don't even have to think about if you are abstinent. That brings great freedom!

For the sake of argument, I'll assume your friend wants to remain a virgin but just wants to 'sleep' with her boyfriend. We'll even give him the benefit of the doubt on that (but believe me, there is doubt!). WHY would she put herself in a situation where a mistake could be incredibly costly, even deadly, to her future? If you play with fire...well, you know the rest!

We talk a lot about character on the site. Here's some traits that I think are relavent to this situation. Your friend might want to think about these:

Discretion vs. Simplemindedness
Recognizing and avoiding words, actions, and attitudes that could bring undesirable consequences.

Virtue vs. Impurity
The moral excellence evident in my life as I consistently do what is right.

Wisdom vs. Foolishness
Seeing and responding to life situations from a perspective that transcends my current circumstances.

do guys support abstinence?

I am a virgin and I totally promote abstinence, but honestly I find it so hard to find young guys who are promoters of abstinence. How come?

Sherell, age 18

Dear Sherell,

Congratulations on being committed to abstinence! You are making the right choice and I am confident that this will help you to focus on and achieve your goals.

As far as young guys who promote abstinence - they are out there, believe me. Sometimes they might not be very outspoken about it, thinking that society values 'players' more. Just like some women think they have to disrespect themselves if they want to get dates. You and I know that is a lie. Continue to develop your strength of character and know that there are many men (real men!) out there looking for a woman just like you.

For now, here are some stories that will hopefully be an encouragement to you.

Todd Fuller chooses abstinence
Why AC chose abstinence
Abstinence Guy talks about abstinence